To clarify, my gender identity is valid. It's complicated sure, but gender does not exist on a binary. Cis guys and girls are legit, but so are transgender folk and queerbies. One body, much less one word, can't always contain all of the pieces a person holds of the universe. So, even if you are cishet*, allow yourself to explore your body. Self-love is so important! And whether this means trying different styles of clothes, or just adjusting your own expectations you've placed on yourself (toxic masculinity is a conversation for another time), it can be freeing.
When I say I am nonbinary, I mean that some days I am male. Others female or neither. Or both. It's sort of hard to explain if you don't experience it because it just happens, it isn't a choice. Gender is more one of those color palettes on computers where you can choose any color. Yeah, each color is a gender. For different people, it can fluctuate between intensity or go from purple to yellow all together. You don't have to understand something to respect it. Nobody could possibly understand every experience ever had in human history. I just try to remember that everyone is struggling in their own way. Click here for a simple explanation on schematics. So, if you end up commenting or mentioning me, it'd be nice. No retaliation if you don't because I will never know, but it's good practice. It was jarring to me when I first saw them being used. But, you get over it because people don't usually bother if it isn't important to them. Here is an article I found cute, on a mother explaining her own experience with a nonbinary child of her own. This post feels silly, but our society likes labels and looks. How I am safe to express myself with clothing and such, is another matter. It's like I'm a trans alien, watching the cishets and mirroring their strange movements to fit in, LOL. * A cisgender heterosexual. Gender matches sex identified at birth and likes the opposite sex. Ex. A person born with a penis and labeled male at birth: feels like a boy and is physically and romantically attracted to females.
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I remember when I was a kid and we would try to run as side ways was as we could against the steepest hill on the playground. Now, I usually need to walk in the middle of the road because I will fall at the slightest tilt.
I will never run on the side of a hill again. I can barely handle ramps off curbs, and I usually avoid them at all costs. Realizations like this, that something, good or bad, will be forever can be daunting. Infinity can stare you in the face until you want to crack.
There are some personal infinite moments I see in my life. Think of some of yours. The good ones too. I often hear about how much control we have over our own lives. But, a lot of that is BS because we don’t always. And that is that. See what you can change, and why you want to change it. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Do the stupid thing. Eat too much. Ask her out. Learn to skateboard if you want. Because through all that- you’ll be living. And you only get one chance. So, build the life you want, but it will take time. I write down things I accomplish like walking across the library, holding a stack of 8 or more books, with no support. I stood with no shoes (I’m not really supposed to, so shh) and figured out I can touch my palms to the floor and feet together. I note good things that happen like getting French tips done on my nails, playing BananaGrams using only nouns, or just the fact that I’ve been home from the hospital for more than 100 days. Some things are infinite. The universe can’t understand human limits. And that is beautiful sometimes. I’m giving myself a fresh start because whatever I was doing before was not working. At this point, I’m willing to try anything. Whether or not you think it is “hocus pocus” or only radiating a complete placebo effect. I can share what helps me with people in similar situations, but I can’t guess what will work for them. And I expect the same respect back.
I broke a lot of bones. Bilateral fractures in both feet (as in, I have metal holding me together now), left wrist, skull puncture wound, and back. Now this isn’t me granting a wish for a pity party. All those bones healed perfectly except for some very important pieces in my left leg. I am stable for now, but if it doesn’t heal, that’s asking for surgery. It wasn’t out of the picture from the beginning because of multiple infections in that area that caused significant damage even to the bone. Do not ask me if I have tried calcium. Because I have and physical therapy and an ultrasound machine to support bone growth and all the other vitamins and protein. So, please, keep your WebMD to yourself. I have a team of hard-working surgeons on my case, and I am not afraid of never seeing success. Please don’t assume my stress is out of control, for I haven’t told you that, and tell me that acupuncture is the only cure. I’m glad you found something for you. I don’t want to be told again and again to go get a massage. I’m exercising and getting outside enough, thank you. My depression may not be cured by whatever helps you. I need medicine to stabilize chemicals in my brain that I’m just genetically missing, and I’m okay with that. Yes, I need therapy, and I shouldn’t be ashamed. She is intelligent and helps me find ways to process through things. I’m during neurofeedback and it is showing results, but it may not for everyone. I am doing everything I can, all at once, because I am not willing to let myself refuse help. Maybe I only need one thing, doubtful, but maybe some is unnecessary. Let me redecorate my room and watch funny YouTube videos and do the things I know helps me right now. This is also a note to anyone who may need it. You should have more time. I said should, and that means that it is not necessarily always true. Summer is for writing. You should be sitting in the light of the morning sun, just before it gets too bold. If there is time, maybe you should be lounging by the water because you have absolutely nothing to do. But, you see, that's when I have the most. Summer is for writing. I invite you, if you so please, to share your writing with me. A comment or note, a poem I am open to posting on my Poetry Blog, or maybe a review of something we all need a taste of. A writer cannot expand their creative limits only by continuing their same thoughts again and again. We must reach out and read and read more. Ask questions and put yourself out there. That said, this summer I am trying to read more out of my comfort zone, mostly non fiction on social justice related issues (so, maybe not too far out), and work with other writers. I might start a writers group (probably online for a wider range) and having guest writers on my website feels like a good idea. Empowering for both of us. Give me ideas. If a "contest"/ review this one piece of work on this prompt type thing sounds fun- tell me! Anybody up to take the chance? I've always been a feminist. It's not a dirty word; I'm not afraid to shout the truth that all genders are equal because, well, all people are. That's where it gets tricky for me. You may have heard the term "intersectionality" within the conversation about feminism, a word that was coined to remind the movement to remember WOCs and disabled women, to include fat women and sex workers, and to not let anyone fall through the cracks. So, if you find yourself being a "white feminist," i.e. Susan B. Anthony, make sure to check yourself. And I do that. But, just like in many sensitive issues, I don't want to overstep, especially when I do not know where I fit. The feminist movement is to empower women and give them their rightful place in society, equal to men, that should never have been taken away. Women lifting up other women. And men, they have a spot too. They have a chance to be allies, to step aside for a moment. My question is: what if you are in the middle? I may be an AFAB (assigned female at birth), and I am not a transman, but it gets more complicated than that. An explanation about all the schismatics and my continued search at my gender is to be saved for another day. That said, a wonderful term has been brought up into more circles: nonbinary. Simply said, I don't fit. I am neither female or male, but sometimes I both. See, complicated. The problem I am posing is how I can fit in the conversation. I face issues women do, but there are days I don't want to get stuck in that image because I feel so far away, but I am not always at the liberty to out myself in every discussion. I feel strongly on the issue and the most leading reason is that PEOPLE ARE ALL EQUAL. It's literally in my religion. I've been reading more about gender theory and even philosophy expanding to biological sex not being as meaningful as we think, and it really throws you. The way it breaks down, for me, is this:
Every human is born a clean slate. And then the universe throws shit upon shit upon years of shit. And we take it. Everyone has to grow up and learn to take the hurt, the good, the messy and turn it into... something, at least. And we don't need to throw extra challenges on top of how hard life is with hate and bias. So, the least anyone can do is help out the people who didn't get that message and the people who were hit with that. Because we are all here. Whether we like it or not. I have a lot of interests. Which is great. Until it's not. I have about five major writing projects I'm excited about right now. Make that six. Which makes my productivity levels seem low if I drop one for a second. I am all over the place. All the time. Just how I like it.
You have to challenge yourself in all parts of your life. It is the only way you can figure out just how much you can do. Every project I keep open has different goals attached to it. Sentence structure, playing around with an intricate plot, characters, theme, and color mixing technique... or wait that might be a painting thing. |
Who Am I?Hi there! I'm Whit, my pronouns are they/them, and I write a lot.
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Painting by Whit Acrylics on masonite April 20th, 2019 Words are a Quaker saying. George Fox? |