“Water are you doing this summer? Seas the day!” This isn’t a philosophy or physics evaluation of any sorts. Looking back on this July makes me -- happy, confused, and lonely at the same time/ it's miserable and magical, oh yeah// -- ha, T. Swizzle reference. Anyway, I have gotten to see family, sleep overnight in hotels that are 50 miles from my house (long story, but it doesn't matter because I feel so fancy), meet confidence boosting personal goals in my writing, and completely lose all sense of priorities and order. I have one of those obnoxious eecards next to my desk that reads: I add 'Read Books' to my to-do list every day so I know I'll get at least one things done." My mom plopped that on my desk out of nowhere a while ago, and it hasn't lost it's tbh-ness.*
One thing in particular made me stop yesterday. I am still healing from severe injuries to my feet, I have the coolest orthopedic shoes I could manage with my given options, but they are still quite hardy. I'm still clumsy, that hasn't changed, and I feel the shock in the rest of my body and hear the sound when I stub my toe. Or the closest equivalent. I used to do it all the time and had to spend the next two minutes jumping around and cursing the inanimate object I ran into. Except, now, I don't feel a thing. And that isn't fair! I want to be able to bang my foot against something and notice! Yes, those thoughts did actually pass through my head, true story. It is silly because there's even a possibility that if I did have more sensation that it would be more excruciating because of the injury. It leads to one question: Would you rather go through life not feeling most pain (physical+mental+emotional+social) and be in jeopardy of missing problems, or suffer through it all to grow a stronger backbone?** I'm not sure of my answer because I know what I want it to be... and than what I might realistically choose given the opportunity. In the life we live in, the only option is to go through it. Little by little we rise and fall. Recovery from anything from an illness to a bad habit is never linear. You will have downs, but big picture, you will beat it. You are stronger than you think you are. I hope you don't have to test that, but know that you can if need be. *TBH: to be honest. I was just describing the embarrassing truth that it brings. ** Unless your pain eminates from your back.
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Tartle (Scots) * The nearly onomatopoeic word for that panicky hesitation just before you are going to introduce someone whose name you can't quite remember. Mamihlapinatapai (Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego) * This word captures that special look shared between two people, when both are wishing that the other would do something that they both want, but neither want to do. Backpfeifengesicht (German) * A face badly in need of a fist. Sounds like a nice way of saying it… maybe. Iktsuarpok (Inuit) * You know that feeling of anticipation when you’re waiting for someone to show up at your house and you keep going outside to see if they’re there yet? This is the word for it. Can’t you feel the excitement? Pelinti (Buli, Ghana) * my mom: the pizza looks hot, don’t eat it yet. me: you’re right *takes a huge bite and regrets it immediately* aaaarrraahh In Ghana they have a word that specifically means: to move hot food around in your mouth. Gigil (Filipino) * The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is irresistibly cute. Yuputka (Ulwa) * or Waldeinsamkeit (German) A word made for walking in the woods at night, it’s the phantom sensation of something crawling on your skin. The feeling of being alone in the woods. Jayus (Indonesian) A joke so bad or told so poorly that you can't help but laugh. Sobremesa (Spanish) The time after dinner, but often still at the table, talking to the people you shared the meal with. Pochemuchka (Russian) A person who asks a lot of questions. Why does there need to be a word for that? Pasear (Spanish) To go out, perhaps on a stroll, with or without a specified destination. With positive connotation. To anyone trying to learn new languages... into the mouth of the wolf! Apparently an Italian saying, that I might be using wrong, meaning good luck (in bocca al lupo!)! I’ve been collecting these for a while, but the asterisk marks ones I just found.
* From a post on Mental Floss, didn't change much, so just giving credit where it is due. There are plenty of things I wish I had time travel for, in order to undo my past. In an attempt to miss that long-winded conversation, I will narrow in and simplify to knowledge that would have helped me when I was first coming out. Scratch that, and step back to me even beginning to understand more complex pieces of my identity.
First, I was like: Easy! Lesbian. But, even that was scary in the area I live in. I was made fun of for being gay before I fully came to the conclusion on my own. After that I came out to my mom, for the first time, as bisexual. I never admitted that I only thought I like boys because of the heteronormative society we live in, and therefore I must be subconsciously ashamed to be gay. Which I was. It is pretty hard to avoid that when you grow up in rural Virginia and being Latinx from a strictly Catholic family. Both of which communities can rewrite the books on themselves. I am trying to say I understand. It has taken me years to identify and feel comfortable with my queerness as a genderfluid nonbinary pansexual. Maybe those seem like big words, but labels are comforting to me. Some people make fun of how many labels there are and say things like, “how am I supposed to keep track of them?” The truth is, you can’t always. I read up on as much as I can, but the important thing is if something tells me they use this term I respect it. Lesbians are valid. Genderqueer people are valid. Demisexuals and aromantics are sooooo valid. I wish someone reassured me of that. I’ve had a girl argue with me that there is not such thing as pansexual. Long story short she said there were only bisexual and panromantics because of schematics. But guess what? I still can say I’m pansexual. No one can take that away from me. At the same time: You don’t need a label. You can use queer or gay as umbrella terms, plenty of people do. Being proud of your identity doesn’t mean you have to have a word for it. Be proud of yourself, in whatever way that means for you. You are whatever you say you are (eg. You can be bisexual and only have dated girls). Maybe it seems silly to hold onto a role model I found when my aunt gave me a CD eight years ago. But, I can remember the first moment in the hospital when I needed that comfort, still rooted in soft-edged memories as a kid. I was going through a painful procedure, awake, and needed something to stay calm. Hearing the familiar melodies did the trick. I knew music would help, but for a second, I couldn’t think of what kind. Until her name popped into my head. Taylor Swift’s music saved my life. I get mildly mocked for liking the famous popstar, which is funny because she hasn’t done anyone awful. No drugs or criminal activity, nothing too wild and it’s one reason she stays grounding for me. I like to focus on her silly selfies with her cats and her comedic music videos. In any moment of anxiety, still, I pull up her playlist. I shuffle through 12 years of music and find it impossibly to freak out. I have every word memorized, consciously or not. (Sorry mom.) I can’t explain what it is, but I wanted to make this post to thank her. There have been moments where her music was the only thing. The only thing that kept me from thinking really sucky thoughts. If music helps you, in any way, use it. Don't be ashamed even if it seems ridiculous because it onl affects you. After Taylor I like 1920s swing, so maybe it is just because I'm not one to judge. |
Who Am I?Hi there! I'm Whit, my pronouns are they/them, and I write a lot.
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Painting by Whit Acrylics on masonite April 20th, 2019 Words are a Quaker saying. George Fox? |