“You’ve lost weight!”
“You look good!” “You look skinny!” Stop. I didn’t ask. I know I’ve lost weight. I’m allowed to have my feelings about that, but unless I bring it up in conversation and somehow make it clear that I want your opinion on my body- please, keep it to yourself. This applies to everyone, all of the time. Whether or not someone has lost weight on purpose in a healthy way, their beauty and value have not changed. Acting as if it did is toxic, especially for people already struggling with unhealthy eating habits/anxieties (something you may not be aware of). Skinny does not equal healthy any more than fat equals unhealthy. I lost weight because I went from being in a wheelchair with almost no exercise for six months to suddenly walking and exercising this spring. I also had a life-threatening infection in my leg that had been trying to kill me for a year and a half before anyone realized it was there. I had three surgeries and spent five weeks in the hospital between late October 2019 and early February 2020. I was on intense IV antibiotics for months, medication that made me tired and nauseous constantly. I am still on some antibiotics and it is still messing up my stomach. The reason I am not eating as much isn’t because “I’m trying,” it’s because I was sick and am still getting better. None of the reasons I forget to eat are healthy. Some days, I don’t get hungry, so I have to be reminded to eat. There are days when even the thought of eating makes me feel sick to my stomach. But neither of those compare to the worst reason I wasn’t eating- it only lasted a few days, but it was terrifying and the reason I am writing this post- I didn’t want to. I liked hearing those comments I know are toxic. People had stopped calling me beautiful, had stopped calling my body anything but “strong,” a long time ago. Finally hearing those things- even though I knew they were rooted in harmful expectations of women and misogyny the speakers don’t realize they were brainwashed by- felt good. They made it easy to slip back into a dangerous narrative of “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” NO. NOPE. STOP IT, WHIT. Food is fuel. Wanting to lose weight is fine as long as you do it through healthy lifestyle changes in diet and exercise. Withholding food is a slippery slope. I caught myself and asked for help and worked through it. For that, I feel lucky. I have friends who have not had such ease. I tried to talk to my GP about my concern over my (at times alarming) decreased appetite. Do you know what he, a grown man with a medical degree said to me, an 18-year-old girl? “I wish I had that problem.” Then, he laughed. And that’s the story of how he lost most of the respect I had for him. I am writing this hoping to reach two groups of people (and those who might fit in both categories):
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Every Monday through Thursday, I go to school. I park in the parking garage, take the elevator to the second floor from wherever I am, roll less than 300 yards into the building, 100 yards more to the elevators, go up, and both my classrooms are right outside the elevator doors. This is an extremely short trip with only a few minutes ever actually standing near anyone. I want to emphasize how little time it takes me. And yet, without fail, someone always asks me “What happened to your leg?”
Or, “Are you okay?” “I hurt my leg once.” “Is it broken?” “How long have you been in the wheelchair?” “How long until you can walk again?” No one ever says “hello” to me anymore. On Tuesday, we were working in partners in math class. It was nice, I ended up with someone I’d spoken to before who I liked. So, I wouldn’t have minded a question about my legs from him as much as from a total stranger, hell, I expected it. I noticed him staring at my foot propped up on the leg of the wheelchair and tried to focus on the worksheet. But, I was waiting for it. “Are those All Birds?” he asks, “I’m thinking about getting some.” What would you look for if you could take a peek of the next four years of your life? What would you ask the people walking alongside you? What would you ask yourself? How do you know what you will want when you’re who you are then?
4 basic things I looked for in a college: (not the only starting lines)
Things I tried to focus on my college tours:
The stuff to Google
Lastly, there’s the thing that everyone told me about, but I didn’t believe them until I felt it, myself.
What will the next four years of my life hold? If you had told me when I was 13 what was coming I would have laughed and said, “no way”- and maybe run screaming. No matter how much you plan or how much you think you know- you don’t. You don’t get to know your future. And, in this case, that’s a beautiful thing.
Try not to take it too close to heart. The rules and the advice, I mean. Even if it is your favorite author, your mind will process things differently. The only thing I would promise helps is:
There is this really cool thing about writing. It’s this idea that it all comes from your imagination and that the ink is only to show other people. What I mean is, the rules only matter so much. Writing can stretch in so many different directions, and so can you. I’ve been attempting to try out different styles and genres, and it has been a blast! Not all writing has to have a deadline, a right answer, or a grade. Ah, I almost forgot, #5: There is no “when I become a writer.” Do you write? Oh, you love to—even better! Congratulations! You are a REAL-LIFE WRITER! You should always write when the inspiration hits. That is a given for me. I can write five thousand words in one sitting or have nothing for weeks. Sometimes it feels impossible to write without that feeling. But, how long can I be expected to wait?
To prevent further writers block, I leave open ends. Leaving bullet points even if it will only get me to the next few sentences. Sometimes I leave my last one unfinished so that I can hop on my last train of thought. Setting the project aside, still with some ideas, can help you start again. If it has gotten late at night, but you still have more things to say, this can be a great way to not miss a beat. You don’t have to write out an entire set of instructions for future you every time, but
I remember when I was a kid and we would try to run as side ways was as we could against the steepest hill on the playground. Now, I usually need to walk in the middle of the road because I will fall at the slightest tilt.
I will never run on the side of a hill again. I can barely handle ramps off curbs, and I usually avoid them at all costs. Realizations like this, that something, good or bad, will be forever can be daunting. Infinity can stare you in the face until you want to crack.
There are some personal infinite moments I see in my life. Think of some of yours. The good ones too. I often hear about how much control we have over our own lives. But, a lot of that is BS because we don’t always. And that is that. See what you can change, and why you want to change it. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Do the stupid thing. Eat too much. Ask her out. Learn to skateboard if you want. Because through all that- you’ll be living. And you only get one chance. So, build the life you want, but it will take time. I write down things I accomplish like walking across the library, holding a stack of 8 or more books, with no support. I stood with no shoes (I’m not really supposed to, so shh) and figured out I can touch my palms to the floor and feet together. I note good things that happen like getting French tips done on my nails, playing BananaGrams using only nouns, or just the fact that I’ve been home from the hospital for more than 100 days. Some things are infinite. The universe can’t understand human limits. And that is beautiful sometimes. I have a lot of interests. Which is great. Until it's not. I have about five major writing projects I'm excited about right now. Make that six. Which makes my productivity levels seem low if I drop one for a second. I am all over the place. All the time. Just how I like it.
You have to challenge yourself in all parts of your life. It is the only way you can figure out just how much you can do. Every project I keep open has different goals attached to it. Sentence structure, playing around with an intricate plot, characters, theme, and color mixing technique... or wait that might be a painting thing. |
Who Am I?Hi there! I'm Whit, my pronouns are they/them, and I write a lot.
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Painting by Whit Acrylics on masonite April 20th, 2019 Words are a Quaker saying. George Fox? |